“This is what happens when you’re pissed about being pissed; You dig yourself so deep, you resist just to resist.”
I laid in my bed deep in thought for about 90% of my day, and came to no conclusions. Just more questions, and just more crap that I can’t overcome or accept.
“Once in a while, I find a reason to smile, but most of the time spent deep in denial. It’s all make believe, I want the cake to eat but this lake’s too deep trying to stand on two feet.”
I think I have a pretty good understanding of general human behaviour. Everyone is like clockwork to me. They read like books & move like mannequins. I even have a good understanding of how I work when I take the time to think about it. I’d just rather not accept it.
I’d rather not accept the fact that I finally reached that apathy I wanted for so long. I have no concern for emotions and serious matters, I have no desire to take the time to care about anything. Laugh & shrug it off — that’s how I go about my days.
At first it was an act. I was trying to cover up any sign of vulnerability I may have just to survive in public. Then I’d come home, and be the same old me. Now I can’t force any human characteristics out of me. I’m not even good at pretending like I care.
I can’t act on natural urges. I can’t associate with other people as if I am a person as well. I want everyone as emotionally far from me as possible. The more I like you, the more of a cunt I’ll be towards you, and the more I’ll hate myself for it.
I’ve successfully tricked myself into thinking that I want all the things I hate. Congratulations to me.